When I first got into spirituality, there was a lot of talk of inner healing, especially in women’s groups. At first, I found this hard to relate to.
I remember one girl on my Teacher Training said that, with all the talk of pain and problems, it made her think she should have something wrong with her!
Many of the women were in a process of intense healing after big traumas in their lives which had brought them to this women's course in India. But these are just more obvious experiences which have left women broken and determined to take back their power.
In fact, all of us have healing to do which comes from being honest with ourselves; to look at our shadows as well as our light.
Slowly, slowly I am beginning to understand the journey of inner healing through my own pain and suffering.
They say suffering is an inevitable part of life, but many spiritual traditions disagree. If you live in the present, suffering cannot exist.
After returning to England from India towards the end of July, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. Exploring myself. Criticising myself. Doubting myself. But also being happy, energised and inspired by what I have learnt since being away.
I find myself facing a lot of pressure in London.
Living with my family.
Yet to find a "real job."
After all, I did study for three years AND got a first from a Russel Group University. Surely that accounts for success in our society! But, like many graduates today, the reality of finishing University is not what you are led to expect.
I also hate doing nothing and this makes me feel stressed and even guilty.
For however many applications and interviews I have surpassed, I am still yet to get a “proper” job. And the more I broaden my horizons to look at different potential roles I could fill in this culture of offices and often pointless jobs, the more distant I feel from them.
The less I desire that kind of life. The more I feel like that is not my true calling.
What do I want? What do I need?
I woke up this morning feeling sad and empty. I checked my email and have not yet heard back from various positions I am waiting on.
I sat in the garden. Then I decided to meditate.